Strength

"Life is a total whirlwind right now between not enough time and too much time, between knowing that I need to be grateful for where I am but wanting to be anywhere else instead."

I received an email from a good friend concluding with this statement...for me, finding a balance with where I am and where I want to be is an ongoing complex accompanied by a lot of inner dialogue. Every adventure requires a pros/cons list weighing on quality of life. Each decision is paired with many more decisions that create an interesting thought process...usually not making any logical sense. Finding the strength to actually make a decision is always the hardest part.

"Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else" and "All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering" I read these quotes recently in an article and the amount of truth in each astounds me. However, the word 'suffering' can be interpreted in many different ways. My idea of suffering is challenged on a daily basis when I walk into Kibera, one of the largest informal settlements in Nairobi (a 'slum' if you will). What is suffering? Wrapping my head around what suffering in this world looks like and making sense of it is impossible...especially in relation to my own 'suffering.' The strength in the residents of Kibera continues to inspire me.

Strength is another word subject to many interpretations. The strength needed to survive versus the strength needed to move across the world versus the physical strength required to bike 45 kms through a hilly terrain of tea farms (yes, I did that yesterday) are very different. 

This woman amazes me. She is one of my favorites at work and her strength reaches levels I can only imagine reaching in my lifetime. I love this photo because it represents such a large population of the people I interact with on a daily basis. With a portion of Kibera in the background and the stoic stance, her attitude towards life continues to impress me; in such a crazy environment she is rooted, strong and beautiful.

The important thought to stress is although I will never fully understand her background and she will most likely never understand mine, there is a lot of common ground to cover. For instance, we laugh together every time I celebrate chai time and she dances with me through the hall of the school like it is a normal thing. These are the things that bind people together...we are all insane in some sort of way, and I would have it no other way.

To conclude this jumble of thoughts, I personally feel that too many people in this world dwell on differences rather than similarities. We are all of the same human race and although we come from different experiences and backgrounds, there is always common ground. All cultures exude similarities...a desire for comfort, stability, love, family, happiness, good health, acceptance, etc. Each of these translates into any language and across cultures. 

If anything, my travel experiences and life lessons have taught me to prioritize similarities and personal connections...human interactions and relationships are the foundation of our entire existence and without them, this world would not make sense.

It is truly amazing the possibilites that can arise when we open our minds to the unknown.

catch up

Today marks a little over a month back in Nairobi. Strangely, it already feels like I have been away from the states for much longer. The preparation for moving for the year consumed my life for more than a month prior to departing, and now that I am here it is a weird feeling…I feel settled but somehow feel like I have 10 million things to take care of. But everything will be taken care of in time. 

I hit the ground running work wise and it has been a great learning experience thus far. In the nature of any new position there is an adjustment phase, but I feel confident that this year will teach me things that a classroom could never capture. I am working for an organization called Shining Hope for Communities (www.shininghopeforcommunities.org) for the next year. My position includes a lot of different things from working out of the clinic to developing new and existing programs. The organization is the definition of a community based organization with programs to support everyone within the community: there is a tuition free girls school, a free clinic, a clean water initiative, multiple community development programs for youth and adults, to name a few. All of these programs are based out of Kibera, an informal settlement that is debatably the largest 'slum' in Africa. Kibera lacks amenities that are taken for granted in the western world...things like clean water and sanitation, consistent power, education, roads, security, etc. To read more about Kibera and Shining Hope for Communities, please read one of my friends detailed article here: http://matadornetwork.com/change/finding-ones-place-in-kibera/

Largest Clean water point in Kibera

Recess with the girls

Recess with the girls

Aside from work I have also been able to catch up with my Nairobi family. I cannot imagine moving to a place not knowing anybody and I am so thankful to already have such a solid network of people here. Also, the people I meet here constantly inspire and amaze me. Nairobi seems to attract a population of go-getters...a large number of foreigners are here doing something interesting and I find most of my conversations to be intellectually stimulating. There is something really great about this...after living in the states for a year it is refreshing to have a conversation lacking any bullshit small talk and actually learn something from the person I am talking to.

With that being said, it doesn't mean I don't miss the states. I had a profound conversation about moving abroad with a close friend prior to leaving the US...and the main take away from our chat was this:

Following through with dreams and ambitions is not easy. In the world we live in today, a lot of people dream big, but most people never see their dreams come true. Here I am making one of my dreams happen and it isn't easy...that's for sure. Leaving a comfortable life in the states and working within a very different culture and population of people constantly challenges the way I think, but the challenge is part of the process. Traveling and immersing myself in a foreign culture is an environment that fosters a unique kind of learning...the type that can never be put into textbooks or taught in classrooms, 'experiential learning' as my mom would say. 

Missing family and friends is also part of the process...but I am thankful to have people to miss and a supportive network back home who believe in this lifestyle I have chosen.

I definitely struggled with whether or not I could commit to an entire year away, but I would rather take on this adventure than regret not coming at all. Life threw a serious curve ball at me recently reminding me that this life we live can be taken from us at any moment. I tend to live my life assuming I am invincible to some degree, but the truth is, we are only on Earth for a tiny fraction of time. Keeping this in mind, I know this year will come and go but the impact it will have on my life is invaluable and long lasting.

Aside from all that stuff, I have been making some awesome travel plans while I am in this part of the world. I am definitely climbing Mt. Kenya at the end of this month, running a half marathon in a safari park at the end of September, going on an extreme safari in Masai Mara in October, traveling to Cape Town South Africa for Christmas, and working on itineraries for January when 2 good friends are making the trip to Kenya to visit!

Lake Naivasha

Saw some Hippos on a quick day trip out of Nairobi!

Ever since I was an undergrad, I've used this application called 'stumbleupon' to procrastinate. It is an amazing tool that allows you to select certain interests (photography, traveling, architecture, etc) and, at the click of the button, it takes you to the most random websites to fit the interests.

I just stumbled on this website with with a bunch of quotations and found this particular one intruiging:

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were old. We’d have survived all this. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated; the way it was when we were young...

-Barbara Streisand

After a true dose of life in the past few days for not only myself, but for some very close friends, I feel this quote is fitting.


It is hard to understand everyone's life fully, but I think it is important to try and relate on some level. Life isn't easy-I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to that-and every day people pull through. Sometimes I wish I could push a fast-forward button and preview where my life is going to be in a year, 5 years, even 10 years...the future is daunting at times. For instance, right now I wish I could fast forward to 10 days from now-I will be resting in the comfort of my grandparents home preparing for a holiday with my family...no more finals, no more writing papers, no more going to the library for hours upon end-but reality sets in, and clearly that is not possible because I still have work to do.


While in Kenya, during the Seva Safari trip (a yoga retreat/mission trip where we built a community center in a slum of Nairobi), one of the participants had everyone do a goal setting exercise. I had never been asked to sit down and write down specific goals and doing this exercise really got me thinking...

She had all of us draw out a chart including a 6 month, 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year column with rows titling health, personal and career. Basically, we were required to fill in a goal for each of these time frames, but not just a general goal, a full detailed explanation of what our life looks like in that specific moment. The exercise was very difficult for me because I had never really imagined a plan for my life-I've actually prided myself in going with the flow and seeing how things pan out, but this forced me to really wrack my brain and put together some sort of plan. This memory inspired me to dig out my personal journal and I can't help but laugh at what I wrote in my chart. The details will remain private, but basically it described what I thought I wanted my life to look like...however, similar to most things in my life-these goals have changed.


My surroundings have changed drastically since my time in Kenya, and therefore, so have my goals and future plans...I think it is important to be ok with that. It's nice to have a pretty picture painted of what "feels right" but it's also important to acknowledge that life is transient and not always going to go as planned. 


I like to believe I have it together, but wow, I dance on the line of completely falling apart sometimes. This makes me think of a quote by Andy Warhol: "I never fall apart because I never fall together" and I think that is the perfect way of looking at it. No matter where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing, I highly doubt I'll have it fully together. I like it that way. Life has been incredible up to this point, clearly there have been hic-ups, heart breaks, tears, etc. but thankfully, life goes on and the fun times outweigh the bad...I guess, as humans, all we can hope for is to laugh more than we cry...


After re-reading this blog post, I can't help but think of this one day in my memory. I was driving from NYC to Lake Placid and I ended up at this Peace Pagoda outside of Albany. I almost missed the small sign with the arrow pointing me in the direction-but this is what I stumbled upon in real life:

The day went nothing like I had planned-it actually went better. 
Taking a step back from everything feels good...this memory feels good.

yes, it is almost december

YES! mark and gina in boston this weekend!!

overwhelmed is an understatement...as the end of my first semester in grad school is nearing, I'm realizing how different grad school is from my college experience in pittsburgh. although my major as an undergrad was grueling in its own ways, dedicating my LIFE to final papers, projects, and exams leaves me feeling like i'm running at a million miles a minute-but i'm getting through it...I mean what can I do? hide from it? not a chance.

coming off of an incredible thanksgiving break, I can't help but wish I was still in the comfort of suburbia and my parents home, but like always, time moves on. It's quite mind boggling how in 2 days the month of december will begin and how the holiday season is in full force. I know it isn't always healthy to compare, but I find myself comparing where I was last year at this time to where I am now...exactly 1 year ago I was wrapping up my first month in Kenya and getting ready to head to France to meet Mark and Gina for my birthday celebrations. I have had multiple conversations recently about how a lot of things that have happened in my life feel like a dream...it is almost as if they aren't real.

Last years birthday!

I saw a lot of old high school friends over Thanksgiving that I hadn't seen in years, and the most common question I got was: "wow, so how is/was EVERYTHING?" implying they have heard about my adventures, and to be honest, I don't even know how to respond to this. My initial response would be: it was great, but it doesn't feel real anymore?...life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs and at the end of the day I still am who I am. I sometimes wonder if the person asking the question expects some profound answer that I just don't have...I guess I'd like to say that my experiences have shaped who I have become but I am still the same person in a lot of ways. A lot of people would say I am a very different person than I used to be, one of my best friends might go as far as to say that she used to be scared of me in high school-i believe I've heard her say, "I thought Krissy was a bitch in high school" in a joking tone of course...but what does even mean? I would hope everyone has changed since high school, and preferably for the better...nobody wants to be that 17 year old forever-thank goodness I'm not at least (and I'm sure my parents would agree).

The encounters I have with past characters from my life force me to look back to a part of my life that no longer feels "real" to me either...5 years ago, if you had told me I'd be in grad school for International Health and that I would travel the world, I'd probably write you off (in a bitchy way), argue that you're full of shit, and go talk about boys and shopping with my friends. But here I am, living the grad school life (procrastinating writing this blog) and looking into moving somewhere international for an extended period of time...I guess the jokes on me. Life is such a process-whether or not we have a structured plan for it, its going to happen one way or another. 


I recently read through my personal journal and couldn't believe what I wrote...stories of people I had met, places I had been, and things that happened to me all feel surreal at this point. I chalk it up to the fact that I am living a very different life and those experiences are so far from where I am now. But yes, they are there, documented through my writings and photographs...one thing I will never regret is starting this blog and keeping a journal-it provides a lot of content for the book I'm slowly compiling...


I am pretty sure that a few years from now, my time in Boston will feel similar to what I just wrote about-just a memory, almost unreal...but wow, this city is so beautiful and I've really been trying to take it all in. In the 6 days that I was home for thanksgiving, the city underwent a transformation and is now in full fledged holiday mode. The streets are lined with trees wrapped with lights, holiday decorations, and is absolutely picturesque. It is officially a different season now; winter is among us and I am excited. My parents are coming into town this weekend to chime in year 24 with me and I cannot wait. 23 was an incredible year for me, so I can only hope that 24 brings something similar. A year full of adventure, spontaneity, surprises, new people, inspiration and unexpected twists is all I can ask for-a year of cleansing and learning as I slowly (emphasis on slowly) transition into being an adult.

Ending on that note and getting back to my school work, I am committing to fully embracing finals and the holiday season, and at the same time anxiously looking forward to a new year. Before we know it, 2012 will be here and to be honest, I cannot wait to see what it brings...life is good

family photo from the wine tour we did over break! so much fun!

And yes, I was this close to a giraffe at one point...NOT REAL!!

bold in boston

I have this horrible habit of using this blog to procrastinate, but I'm justifying it because the only time I write anymore is when I am procrastinating.

I have this philosophy that you have to live somewhere for about three months in order for it to really become a home...this happened to me when I moved to Lake Placid, to Nairobi and now in Boston. I have lived here for almost three months and I can confidently say this is my home.

My street!

view from my apartment

the charles river

some of the city

I figured I'd give some visuals...so yea, three months has flown by. I still sometimes think about the crazy process of how I ended up here, it was completely unexpected but that is the way life works...


School has been a whole new adventure to tackle that has its ups and downs on a regular basis. Somedays I feel like I'm in the program I should be, and other times I feel like I could be learning a lot more while abroad and on ground. BUt that is neither here nor there because I'm in Boston, and I'm going to finish this program...my latest developments include planning on going abroad in June for about 6 months to work for an NGO...the location is still up in the air, but once solidified I'm sure a whole new set of emotions will arise.


i think i mentioned this in a previous post, but Boston has really brought me back to my  manlius roots and reconnected me with some old friends-i am so thankful for this. going out in Boston has been full of adventure and random events which are always amusing, its nice to always go somewhere I haven't been and meet new people.

COWABUNGA dudddee-ninja turtles for halloween!

I figured I'd throw in a picture of Halloween-Nicky and I got creative and made these awesome turtle shells...it was quite an adventurous night-to say the least.

But enough procrastinating-i have to write a paper now. looking forward to thanksgiving next week-some solid time with family and friends in manlius

mark and gina's back yard

reflect

missing kenya, my masai family, and my dad today

I am currently sitting in the library procrastinating a bit-somehow in denial about having my first test as a grad student tomorrow...but i also wanted to put down in a words a few thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain lately...


I had a conversation with one of my life mentors today and as we chatted about life, challenges we've been facing, and different approaches on how to handle things, I found myself telling her, as well as telling myself, that no matter what things work out. 


It is so easy for people to get stuck...whether it be about school, work, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. there is so much fear and uncertainty around the unknown so as human beings, we find it easier to shut things out-shut people out-shut opportunities out...but in essence this does not get us anywhere-we grow from experiences-we grow from mistakes-we grow from fear-we grow from taking chances...and at the end of the day, time keeps ticking away and things eventually work out-maybe not as we expect, but they do work out.


of course they do...whenever I get worked up about something or feel like I'm heading for a breakdown, I'll call my dad...my dad is probably the most level headed and practical people I know and one of his lines for me is,

'Krissy, its not the end of the world'

my response is usually short and something along the lines of 'UGH I KNOW DAD' but in reality I should take his comment into more consideration...perspective is key. of course the world isn't going to end and of course my life will continue, but in that moment it usually doesn't feel like it. I'm still learning how to step back, take a few breaths and realize that at the end of the day it isn't the end of the world-somehow everything will come together in time. so Mark, thank you for instilling this in my head and hopefully my panic calls will become less frequent!


moving on...in my Global AIDS Epidemic course I'm taking, today we discussed this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/health/04hiv.html?pagewanted=2&hp

The article is about the hormone injection contraceptive...basically it acts as birth control and you don't have to take a pill orally, it is injected into the arm every 3 months and has been proven to be an effective birth control-sounds perfect, right? BUT the latest findings released on Monday are showing that this shot actually doubles the risk that women will become infected with HIV! AND when it is used by H.I.V.-positive women, their male partners are twice as likely to become infected than if the women had used no contraception. This is probably one of the most unfortunate discoveries and it actually hits really close to home for me...

Back in February, AYP hosted a women's health workshop and we actually prided ourselves in providing the shot to anyone who wanted it for free. My professor stated today,

'This is like taking 10 steps backwards in the fight against HIV/AIDS'

So i'm left feeling sad; not only is this going to create a larger problem for the international health field to attack, but it also leaves me feeling a bit responsible for providing something that could potentially be harmful to so many of my friends in Kenya.

But here are some positive articles on HIV/AIDS that I found that can hopefully allow readers to get a better grasp on the situation...

• http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/health/04global.html?scp=2&sq=HIV&st=cse
• http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/27/health/27baby.html?scp=6&sq=HIV&st=cse

and i'll leave you on that note...i strongly suggest reading these articles to educate yourself and allow it to inspire you in whatever way it does.

an update on lost time

i quit writing for a while. clearly. and this is my attempt to explore it again...we'll see if i stick to it

gosh, as always a million and 5 things have happened since I last wrote...I've returned to America indefinitely (sad face) but readjusting has gone as smoothly as I could have hoped for; a little rocky at first (the reverse culture shock was actually more intense than the initial culture shock of kenya), but i feel pretty acclimated to where i am right now...


So i'm going to a small photo montage of big events leading up to right now:

minnie visited me in KENYA!! and this is us climbing Mt Longonot

mark and gina joined in kenya and we traveled to the masai village in amboseli!

i summited kilimanjaro (4.5 days up 1.5 down) with the wonderful emily fleming!

built a community center in kibera with the Seva Safari group

spent 2 weeks at the lake readjusting to america-rough i know

went to ottawa with mark and gina-yes this is caesar in a stroller

cleared the wake wakeboarding for the first time evaaa

went to woodstock to see billy paige and emily!

rekindled old friendships in good old boston

clearly thats a brief overview but it does lead me to right where i am now...so i've started grad school at Boston University...and its awesome!! i lost interest in my undergrad major about sophomore year so its been a while since i've been genuinely interested in my courses and its a fantastic feeling...i'm taking courses that are heavily involved in current global issues the world is facing today: issues such as poverty, sanitation, HIV/AIDS, infectious diseases, child mortality, NGO management, leadership within organizations, uniform education, community mobilization, gender inequalities and the list continues...I find myself constantly inspired by the what my professors and fellow students have to say and so needless to say, i'm enjoying school.

also, boston is this wonderful city i've never taken the time to explore until now. in the past i've been biased to nyc and always overlooked boston, but to my surprise, i can't imagine myself anywhere else right now. i've happened to meet up with SO many people from different walks of my life-old friends from high school, my yoga teacher training, asia escapades, figure skating, and pittsburgh have been popping up in my life and i'm loving it. reunions could quite possibly be one of my favorite things because it is so fascinating how much people can change and how much i have changed. and with reunions, the conversations never run dry-both parties are usually extremely interested in hearing about one another's pasts and its so great to see where all of my friends have ended up!

its exciting to be in a new phase but i feel like my life is in constant adjustment...i'm in a new city, at a new school, taking new classes, meeting new people, and its a little overwhelming at times. not saying that i don't like it or i don't fit in, i actually would label myself as a very adaptable person, its just the idea of living back in america and where i fit in under that label...

'i've joined this network of people who are from the world. i don't feel like i fit in america and i know i'll never be fully kenyan'-miss paige elenson herself

this idea really resonates with me because although it is easy for me to be a 23 year old american, i still have all of these experiences that have influenced my mentality that leave me feeling like i can't relate to a lot of people. i'm amongst the souls who are trying to save the world and in essence from everywhere?...i feel grateful that i'm in the program i'm in because i think that many people in my classes feel the same way and have had similar experiences. 

so to conclude this thought: its good to surround ourselves with like minded people-it somehow makes the hard things easier. but mannnnn i miss traveling the world...at least a girl can dream

the beautiful koh tao off the eastern coast of thailand-take me backkkk